first psychologist appointment and some rambings

i just had my first evaluation appointment with the psychologist Dr L works with. Lets call her M, she is lovely. Not scary at all. She went over my history of weight gain and we talked about the emotional triggers/reasons behind it, fortunately I have done the therapy thing a bit before and the odd workshop or two, so I felt comfortable about my ability to articulate the who/what/wheres ands whys. I feel comfortable with her, she is reassuring at the right moments, non judgmental and really seems to love her job. i love that. plus, she has a fabulous smile, the kind that makes you want to smile too;-)

I was a little apprehensive going in, as I've had a hectic week work week, plus freelance jobs and some sleeplessness caused by thinking about the whole Lap Banding idea a fair bit. See i'm not afraid of talking about my feelings but i was a little worried that i'd have a stressy tired crying reaction to her first question. and it wouldn't have been a genuine 'i'm really upset about something cry' it would've been more of a stress release cry and i was worried that it would be mistaken for a general unbalancedness, and i'm not. i'm balanced baby;-) but like anyone, I'm totally capable of having a stress cry especially when I only slept for 5 hours the night before.

But I was worried for nothing, when i sat down in her office, I just felt comfortable and relaxed. so along with the general talking about my history, I did some questionaires on depression, binge eating etc. they were fairly straight forward, I almost expected her to bust out an enneagram test as well, but she didn't.

my main struggle with the binge/food questionaire was trying to answer without thinking too much, see I'm not afraid of telling the truth, I want it to be the truth, but the truth for me is varied when it comes to eating. more often than not, I make wholeistically healthy food choices, put me in a resteraunt and 9 times out of 10 i'll order a side salad instead of chips (if offered the choice) even if its a salad that has so much good stuff in it that my brain knows the chips probably have less calories. i dont do it because i should, but because its genuinely what i prefer. At home, I buy organic dairy, meat and other stuff. i eat dark bitter chocolate. i love vegetables and seafood (not fried) when i buy bread i buy dark chewy grainy bread. I eat tofu alot instead of meat, just because i like it. (hey dont get me wrong, I'm not a saint, i do buy a bit of rubbish food from the grocery store sometimes, but definatley not all the time) I havn't used a chemical product on the outside of my body in over 18 months.

But ...

when I do have a binge, I choose the crap foods, potato chips, cheap milk chocolate, white bread products, pepsi max, sweet biscuits, whole pizza's (the crappy kind) anything rubbish to fill me up till i'm so full it hurts. i can go to town on a sizzler salad bar, and often in social/meal sharing situations I'll find myself eating just because its there. i also tend to overeat on home cooked meals unless i portion it out and put away the left overs before i sit down to eat. silly hey:-)

so, I answered as best i could, they responses may make me look a bit all over the place and cant make up my mind, but I guess thats a true reflection of my eating habbits. My actions in this area of my life do not always match up with my values, which is what has led to my body being so out of harmony with my head:-) here's to bringing them into alignment!