some rambings on emotional eating with the band

I've been tossing around some ideas in my head with regards to how the band impacts on emotional eating, which, lets face it, is likely a problem for most people who go down the surgery path.

my take on it is to compare it with a heroin addiction treatment, where by they use Naltrexone to block the effects of opiates. If you are taking Naltrexone and you use heroin, it doesnt have the same impact. you just dont get that feeling. Well, for me, the band is similar, sure I can technically eat for emotional reasons, but it doesnt have the same impact (or payoff) as my pre-band binges. (which i my case was a nice long sugar/food coma)

If you take away the feeling you get from mis-using food, then, the desire to use it in a negative way slowly goes away too (well for me anyway) And in a weird way, the feeling I get from using food in a negative way now is so vastly different to the feeling I got from my pre-band binges, that it doesnt work. I know that sounds a bit mumbo jumbo, but in my case (and i think mabey for alot of people) I was addicted to the way overeating made me feel and to being obese, not the actual act of overeating. I'd have to work really hard now to get in enough calories to one sitting to give me that 'sugar coma' feeling and not leave me feeling so full that it hurts. And, happily, I dont want to do that work:-)

oh, plus, i see a physcologist as well, that helps alot with the food/emotional issues. If your surgeon hasnt recommended seeing one, I suggest you think about it. especially if you can find someone that specialises in food issues. its worth every penny!

well I finally did it, I spewed, I feel like a moron

well, after weeks and weeks of trouble free eating/swallowing, I've done it. After my little incident only 2 nights ago when I ate a bit of sandwich too fast, and was in a bit of short lived pain, you'd think I had learned. But no, I need to learn things the hard way. the vomitting way. this morning, I ate a small piece of vegemite scroll, which I have done before since banding, no worries, but I guess after the second fill, bready products like that may be off my menu permanantly. I dont eat them often at all, so it wont be a huge loss and I do not want to repeat this morning. I actually spewed. at my desk. it was gross. only a small amount thank god, and I had a container handy. but not an event to be repeated. note to self - no more squishy bread!

so THATS what happens when I swallow too fast ...

Well so far I havn't really experienced any of the problems people talk about after they are banded, I've had no problems swallowing, no food coming up, the worst was an uncomfortable tight feeling after eating too much once or twice. Having said that, I am very conscious of chewing my food really well. Well last night as I was rushing from Spanish class to a gig, I was eating the sandwich I had in my bag (i thought i was being prepared, knowing there would be no time to stop for dinner in between class and the gig) so I'm eating the sandwich while talking a mile a minute to my friend about how fabulous the class was, when suddenly, it felt like I had swallowed a brick. Not a nice feeling, after some careful deep breathing and relaxing for a couple of minutes, it passed, no vomiting required:-) but OH MY it was not a good feeling. Note to self. Chew. Repeat if necessary.

2nd fill tomorrow

I have my second fill scheduled for tomorrow, I'm really hoping for some more restriction from this one, as I don't feel like I have much at the moment, I know its a gradual process getting to the right level and its different for everyone, so I am practicing patience. And occasionally eating too much.

Like last night, I had a tim tam. Then I had another 5. I won't be too hard on myself as pre-band, I would've had the whole packet AND probably half a litre of ice cream and a packet of chips. So thats an improvement. Silly me didn't even use the very useful 'savouring' technique that the physcologist taught me, which is pretty dumb, cause it totally works.

But, on the upside, I have been food journaling and have realised that I am rarely having snacks in between meals which is a big progression for me.

I have a brand spanking new very beautiful day to a page Moleskin diary that I am going to use for my food/exercise/weightloss diary as well as a general weightloss journal, so here's to even greater accountability and more restriction (hopefully) from tomorrow!

soon soon soon

i will start posting again soon, i've just had a bit of a holiday from, well, thinking about everything. I've had my first fill and maintained my weightloss over the xmas/new years period, even dropped down another 2 kilo's, not a huge amount over 4 weeks, but i'm ok with it, especially as I didnt have my first fill till a little while ago.

more regular posts coming soon!

day 8 of pre-surgery diet

I'm doing much better now, the first 5 days were hell, not because i was hungry, I actually wasn't really, I just felt physically rubbish, really really tired and spacey in the head, distracted, I couldn't focus on anything. It was probably a combination of the diet, the cleanse pills I'm taking and having my period! but I took friday off work and rested and drank lots of berocca and soluble minerals and felt heaps better by saturday! today I feel almost normal, but less hungry, I'm having to actually remind myself to have my shake/eat. its a strange feeling, but one I hope to get used to:-)

I havnt weighed myself, as I dont want to get to attached ti the weightloss side of it, the main focus of this diet is to shrink my liver pre-surgery, so I am focussing on that. Given that I last weighed myself in the surgeons office 3 days before I started the diet, I will re-weigh there next time I'm in there, which is next wednesday.

day 4 of pre surgery diet

day 4! i had my pre-admission session at the hospital today, it all went well. i have to go back for an appointment with the anaestesiologist and for a blood test, one week before the surgery. I also got a call from my super fund saying that they were in the process of assessing my claim, and that i needed to get new quotes from the hospital as they hadnt put my name on the quotes and had used the medicare item numbers rather than writing out the name of the procedure. poo. i thought it was all done, now i need to go back to the hospital to organise the quotes, i tried calling, it did not go well, I was transferred to 'someone who can help you' twice which resulted in me being cut off and I figure i may as well go there.

physically, i'm feeling quite tired, distrated and a bit light in the head, no headache though, so thats good. I'll take it easy at pilate tonite and try to go to bed nice and early!

I just cried

But in a good way:-)with my surgery booked (21 Nov) and it all becoming real, I have, over the last couple of days, told my closest friends and my family (I have 4 sisters:-) Everyone has been amazing (my pilates instructor grilled me a bit, but all from a wanting to know details point of view) I just got the most lovely email from my sisters and they have all decided (along with my nieces who are over 18) to go on a liquids diet themselves for 3 days from when I get my surgery, to show their support so I don't feel alone. How sweet is that. I just wanted to share that with everyone, cause well, it made me cry a bit:-) I know some people feel a bit fearful of telling friends/family about surgery, but sometimes, well, people are great:-)

when is too much thinking too much?

you see, i'm a thinker. and a researcher. and a thinker. so I've really been going over this thing in my head alot since I took my first serious step on this road. and it has been keeping me up nights a bit, with the thinking, not the should i / shouldn't i idea, but more going over in my head as to the reasons I am this way and how i will combine my good habits/tendancies with the band to make it work in my favour, while leaving the bad habits behind.

see it requires lots of thinking. and i'm not shying away from it. i want to think long and hard about what will work for me, what won't. the fabulous new things/habits I can welcome into my life while saying goodbye (even if its just for a while) to some others. Like drinking. it feels likes that at least for a while after surgery, that it will be best to put that aside for 6 months or so. and i'm ok with that, I am way more excited about being fitter and healthier than I am about a glass of red wine (even a really good shiraz). but i think its more important to think about that stuff and make a conscience informed choice before diving into surgery. I dont want to be stuck with that feeling of, oh i wish I had've known....

so, without obsessing i need to think about some things that i may never be able to enjoy again, from what i understand everyone reacts differently but it seems there is a good chance i will never be able to eat steak again. not even a nice rare eye fillet . . . now i dont want to have a big binge of things that i wont be able to eat again, but i feel totally ok with the idea of going to a great steak place to enjoy a fabulous piece of meat, just in case in doesnt agree with me in the future. i think i will start a list:-)

first psychologist appointment and some rambings

i just had my first evaluation appointment with the psychologist Dr L works with. Lets call her M, she is lovely. Not scary at all. She went over my history of weight gain and we talked about the emotional triggers/reasons behind it, fortunately I have done the therapy thing a bit before and the odd workshop or two, so I felt comfortable about my ability to articulate the who/what/wheres ands whys. I feel comfortable with her, she is reassuring at the right moments, non judgmental and really seems to love her job. i love that. plus, she has a fabulous smile, the kind that makes you want to smile too;-)

I was a little apprehensive going in, as I've had a hectic week work week, plus freelance jobs and some sleeplessness caused by thinking about the whole Lap Banding idea a fair bit. See i'm not afraid of talking about my feelings but i was a little worried that i'd have a stressy tired crying reaction to her first question. and it wouldn't have been a genuine 'i'm really upset about something cry' it would've been more of a stress release cry and i was worried that it would be mistaken for a general unbalancedness, and i'm not. i'm balanced baby;-) but like anyone, I'm totally capable of having a stress cry especially when I only slept for 5 hours the night before.

But I was worried for nothing, when i sat down in her office, I just felt comfortable and relaxed. so along with the general talking about my history, I did some questionaires on depression, binge eating etc. they were fairly straight forward, I almost expected her to bust out an enneagram test as well, but she didn't.

my main struggle with the binge/food questionaire was trying to answer without thinking too much, see I'm not afraid of telling the truth, I want it to be the truth, but the truth for me is varied when it comes to eating. more often than not, I make wholeistically healthy food choices, put me in a resteraunt and 9 times out of 10 i'll order a side salad instead of chips (if offered the choice) even if its a salad that has so much good stuff in it that my brain knows the chips probably have less calories. i dont do it because i should, but because its genuinely what i prefer. At home, I buy organic dairy, meat and other stuff. i eat dark bitter chocolate. i love vegetables and seafood (not fried) when i buy bread i buy dark chewy grainy bread. I eat tofu alot instead of meat, just because i like it. (hey dont get me wrong, I'm not a saint, i do buy a bit of rubbish food from the grocery store sometimes, but definatley not all the time) I havn't used a chemical product on the outside of my body in over 18 months.

But ...

when I do have a binge, I choose the crap foods, potato chips, cheap milk chocolate, white bread products, pepsi max, sweet biscuits, whole pizza's (the crappy kind) anything rubbish to fill me up till i'm so full it hurts. i can go to town on a sizzler salad bar, and often in social/meal sharing situations I'll find myself eating just because its there. i also tend to overeat on home cooked meals unless i portion it out and put away the left overs before i sit down to eat. silly hey:-)

so, I answered as best i could, they responses may make me look a bit all over the place and cant make up my mind, but I guess thats a true reflection of my eating habbits. My actions in this area of my life do not always match up with my values, which is what has led to my body being so out of harmony with my head:-) here's to bringing them into alignment!

Information seminar - Dr D

I went to an information Seminar by Dr D, a Brisbane Surgeon who does alot of WLS (weightloss surgery). He was very informative, and spent alot of time answering questions, but I knew within half an hour he wasnt the surgeon for me (well, within 5 minutes, but I was trying to be open minded) my reasons, well, most are petty preferences on my behalf, but if I'm going to pay someone to cut me open and stick things inside me, I want to feel comfortable with and preferable like the person. it was, well his vibe that put me off.

When he was talking about his past patients he constanstly referred to people as being 'really huge' dragging out the words as he said it and often gesturing with his hands to indicate their size. Now, I'm not in denial here, I know he's talking about people that are morbidly obese (as I am) and bigger. I know its a case of you say tomato I say tomato ... but I prefer words like large, big, or even the horrible obese word. I know for other people different words trigger different emotional reactions, but for me the 'realllllyyyy huuuuuugggeee' didnt work for me.

It wasnt just that, he also repeatedly stated that in his opinion obesity was worse/more dangerious that cancer. CANCER. thats right. Now technically he may be correct (I wouldnt know the statistics) but it felt insensative, he can stress the point that obesity is dangerous without comparing it to cancer. repeatedly. he also said that 'curing' someone of obesity was (in his opinion) more of a 'arn't I a great surgeon' moment than curing someone of cancer. cancer.

thirdly, he had a fairly negative attitude towards others peoples reaction to someone having WLS. he went on for quite a while about how 'other people' dont understand and will react badley to being told that your having WLS, and your best off not telling people, and just talking about it with other people who have had it done. well bollocks to that I say, there's no shame in having this done and if you educate yourself about the facts, its really easy to respond to peoples misinformed opinions. Now I'm not saying I'm going to tell everyone that I'm doing this it is a sensative, private issue and I'll tell people in my own time, but I didnt like his take on it.

Not for me. I'll find someone that is though:-)